Since my ex and I went our separate ways I have been hiding from anything that involves an emotional attachment. Which led to a string of solely physical encounters that fulfilled a need and at the same time came without the obligation of an actual relationship. It was all good at first I thought that I could just go on that way for ever and shield myself from the inevitable vulnerability that all love brings.

However recently I started messing around with a close friend of mine. At the time I just took it as a mistake shared between two lonely friends that needed something from each other at the time. We talked about it and agreed to leave it in the past and move as JUST friends. I knew that she was only agreeing in the name of keeping the peace but it would be better that way I thought. We continued on sharing moments of passion however until she went back to Tulsa. After that I thought that everything would go back to normal just like that. Boy was I wrong.

Anyways it has been a few weeks since she left and everything has gone all topsy turvy on me. I feel myself constantly questioning everything that happened or should of happened. A couple days ago she called and said that just being my friend would not work for her anymore that she wanted to date and see what else we could be. As I sat there running over all the reasons that we shouldn't and/or how I couldn't I realized that all that is bullshit. I have been hiding from life and love because of the possibility that I might get hurt.

In all truth my past has been full of let downs and heartbreak although who's hasn't. I want to give her my everything and I intend to do just because well I am ready for love!!!

There is a new feeling that has began to take a hold of me I think it just might be certainty.

You were my lesson way then and I so very thankful for all the wisdom that you have given.

Although here in my present there is just no room for all the wicked things you choose to do.

I was once consumed by doubt and had began to question my own questions but now I have it figured out.

A childs love is what we shared and now we have both outgrown all those days we spent together so scared.

No...today I want to go through life with minimal fear. So go knowing that I do care but it must end here.

Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker
Copyrighted@2008

So very many walls I have built I made them all to protect me from the shame and guilt.

Now I want to break them all down but without them I fear my emotional safety would be nowhere around.

I never thought I could want feel but here I am and this need is real but I'm not sure how to deal.

Time has made me see that there is so much more to me then just the ice cold little girl who didn't know how to handle this world.

I don't know how to let this woman I've become grow because this life has felt like a show I just smiled so they wouldn't know.

And now I want to let them see the real me but I can almost not help but resort to hiding.

Every dirty look and little remark has left a permanent scar but I still want to be remembered for only my heart.

So I try a little each day to say everything I mean and to mean everything that I say!



Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker
Copyrighted@2008

I saw her the other day and I must say that it was strange to see her moving in that very different way.

Her eyes were no longer full of joy and excitement...now they seemed to be over taken by disappointment.

I could not help but think that this was no longer the same girl who had once meant so much to me.

Her comments were quick and cold and her outfit was dark and pale as opposed to playful and bold.

I questioned what hand life had dealt her that made that sexy little devil turn into just another fallen angel.

I guess I will never know but I still wonder where on earth did that spunky and clever girl I knew go.

Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker
Copyrighted@2008