As a child I spent very little time with my father and most of the time we did spend together was not exactly relaxed or cherry. I was always very intimidated by this red headed good old boy with a temper. Even though he was my father I did not really know him and from what I saw he was not nice person.

One summer when he had us he went on a slip a.k.a relapsed on drugs. He ended up dragging me and my sister across the country in the dead of night. I can remember sitting in the back seat thinking he was going to kill me and my sister. It was traumatic to say the least.

After that we were not allowed to go with him alone of course. So he started taking us our Aunt Ursala's. At first I was very unsure about this, i had never met any of his family and was quite certain that i would not like them. Then I saw her for the first time she was in a bright orange bikini and her long fake nails matched it. I had never seen anything like her before she was so free, loud and very loving. She had three sons and her husband reminded slightly of Santa Clause...the only difference was he had a great guitar collection that I made him show me on multiple occasions.

When I was with Aunt Ursala I felt secure and cool plus she kept my dad on a tight leash so the time with him was more enjoyable. Most of the pleasant memories that I do have of my father were from the few times he took us to her house. I think she saw how much we needed those times because whenever there she would always say that was our home away from home. Her sons were nice to us mainly I think because she made sure of it. I used to love sunbathe with her by the pool because she would tell me stories of her and my dads life growing up. of course she only told me the good ones but still I felt like I knew him more after talking with her.

She always called me Sami-Fish after they taught me how to swim. She said it was because when I was ready to swim I just took off my floaties and swam like a fish. Ursala always bragged on us to all of her friends she would invite them over just to meet her little nieces...she would laugh and say "now you know where they got their looks from don't ya"? I would normally say from my momma just to get her goat.

I have not kept up with them like I should have...it was easy to distant myself because they were his family and I don't like him. Although I will never forget her and her bright orange bikini!

Lately things in my life have been going at full speed and I feel like half the time I am the last to catch up. Everything I was comfortable with is changing and it completely terrifies me. I mean it is like everything I thought I knew turned out not to be true. For instance I had planned to be with my ex forever and well...not so much. Also I was supposed to be a junior in high school by now...not starting my academic career over again.

I knew that it happen don't get me wrong...as we grow things change and rearrange but I thought it would be more subtle and less abrupt. Of course the recent events in my life have their ups. I am very happy with who I have become as result of the things I have been through and done. I just had hoped maybe I would still share something in common with my past self...although the fact that I don't might be good thing.

I keep reminding myself that change is good but it sometimes does not feel that way. I am so far from where I thought I would be by now. I am just starting to try to make it further down the road and it so scary to be starting again so late. It feels like I am so much older then I truly am at times. I know this sounds like a bunch of self pity and maybe it is but what I am really getting at is nothing. These are just a few of the random thoughts bouncing around in my head at the moment.

Why is so hard to overcome the past? Why do the dreams and memories just seem to last?

I cannot be what they are wanting me to be and I have lost the ability to not care what they are thinking.

My faults show through no matter what I do...I know I will never be perfect but I had hoped I could deal with it.

Yet now I have found that I'm not strong enough to face this road that is oh so tough.

Times are hard and the feelings of worthlessness are hell to discard so I don't know.

Just had to get these thoughts out of my head by allowing my latest feelings to be read.

Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker
Copyrighted@2008

I have cried many tears and faced unsettling fears throughout these years that I have spent here.

I am the one who has done regretable things yet doesn't regret anything...do you understand what I mean?

Time has changed my wrongs into rights and my nights into days. So I stand here in a new way.

I have been the problem child who was described as young and wild. In that chapter of my life I watched myself live in denial.

Yet now with my own acceptance of who I have been I am slowly transforming into a young woman.

Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker
Copyrighted@2008