I have come to realize that for awhile I have been living solely out of obligation. Only doing what had to be done and not really doing much of what I want to do. So lately I have been trying to remedy the situation by finding a balance in my work and play. I started my solution by going tto Oaklahoma City for ICYPAA which is the international congerence of young peopl in A.A. I had an amazing time there it was really eye opening to not be the youngest person in the room recovering. On my trip I got close to alot of people that I had already met but never taken the time to get to know as a result I have made several friends for life!

After ICYPAA I decided to start spreading my wings and do more things that weren't necessarily comfortable. So I hae started spending more time with one of my friends from ICYPAA that lives about half an hour away from. When I am there we normally just hop ion the truck and find some trouble to get into. Which for me is way new...I like to have a detailed plan and follow it but it has been great to live on a whim. Last weekend that consisted of heading down to a friend of hers farm and helping out. I loved it down there...they had goats, cows, chickens, dogs and cats. It was so wonderful to just be for awhile and it didn't hurt that all the animals were so very lovable. I actually had a billy goat try to get in my lap with me...hehe fond memories.

I even got a job offer from a doggy grooming place...we went in to bath her dog and as a thank you I decided to help out with the a few of the pups. I talked to the owner and told her that my dream was to open a chain of doggy stores that would be a grooming, sitting and merchandise venture. After that she offered me a possition at her stor. Although that is pretty much an impossibility at this point due to transportation still it was very touching and a little reaffirming that maybe I'm worthy I guess.

So I'm getting ready to head up to Missouri possibly and just wanted to touch base and tell you all that I am doing well and love all of you!!!

You always thought you knew exactly what to do and now that I'm with you I know that you have been left so confused.

Your life has began to fill with uncertainty nothing is as black and white as it used to be.

Yet even in your times of fear I will remain here saying "baby it will all be okay...trust me."

The pressure builds from your parents and school...I know that it feels like you have been thrown into the deep end of the pool.

Believe when I say that you can do anything because I have seen you overcome so many tragedies.

Yes my baby you are the truest essence of beauty and grace I can see all of your strength even when you can't find it any place.


Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker

Copyrighted@2008

I will not be here for the Saturday night music thing so here is my pick for that just a couple days early!

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She looks so good in the moonlight that she brings all the fighting that ignites within me to cease.

She was once the only cure I could see and yet so subtly she has become the disease.

She is the drug and I'm the addict ever knowing that she will wreak havoc but still I have to have it.

She speaks all the lies that I believe it seems like second nature almost for her to decieve.

She hears my painful cries for peace and yet the girl refuses to allow me any relief.

She loves me in her own way and that is exactly why I stay...it just hurts so good and I can't get away.

Written By: Sami Heart-Speaker
Copyrighted@2008

Since my ex and I went our separate ways I have been hiding from anything that involves an emotional attachment. Which led to a string of solely physical encounters that fulfilled a need and at the same time came without the obligation of an actual relationship. It was all good at first I thought that I could just go on that way for ever and shield myself from the inevitable vulnerability that all love brings.

However recently I started messing around with a close friend of mine. At the time I just took it as a mistake shared between two lonely friends that needed something from each other at the time. We talked about it and agreed to leave it in the past and move as JUST friends. I knew that she was only agreeing in the name of keeping the peace but it would be better that way I thought. We continued on sharing moments of passion however until she went back to Tulsa. After that I thought that everything would go back to normal just like that. Boy was I wrong.

Anyways it has been a few weeks since she left and everything has gone all topsy turvy on me. I feel myself constantly questioning everything that happened or should of happened. A couple days ago she called and said that just being my friend would not work for her anymore that she wanted to date and see what else we could be. As I sat there running over all the reasons that we shouldn't and/or how I couldn't I realized that all that is bullshit. I have been hiding from life and love because of the possibility that I might get hurt.

In all truth my past has been full of let downs and heartbreak although who's hasn't. I want to give her my everything and I intend to do just because well I am ready for love!!!